Dreameroffantasy
04-16-2007, 09:39 PM
A tragic story carved on a gravestone
Is yet a story left untold and unknown
Untreated scars sore with the pain of sorrow
A cry that will remain unheard today as well as tomorrow

Death's silent voice whispers it's way inside my ear
And I weep without shedding a single tear
In my field of silence I stand alone
And to the world I speak in a death-like tone

I speak the words society fails to understand
And through the thorns I've walked without a helping hand
Beneath the barren ground lies the death of beauty
Locked away into the loneliness of obscurity.

The portrait of life has lost it's color
And to the arms of death, I run like a child to it's mother
Life itself is the deadliest of all sins
A harmful truth yet revealed on the surface of one's skin

The path I walk is forever unkown all I know is that I am alone.


What do you think? I tried..

Prak
04-16-2007, 09:49 PM
Oh great. More emo poetry. Try writing something that people might actually want to read.

As for the poem itself, it meanders a lot and doesn't even attempt to stick to a discernable central theme. You should go back to basics and start over, keeping in mind that there are two ways you can write poetry. One is worthless drivel that will never mean anything to anyone but you. The other is written specifically for others to read and enjoy. This one falls into the former category.

Dysfunction
04-16-2007, 09:55 PM
Reminds me of a former member called Shadow Wolf's work.

Glad to see Prak is still around. Funny guy.

Dreameroffantasy
04-16-2007, 10:07 PM
So do you like it? I know..it's Emoish..but I just felt like writing sad ..I can be happy too!

From distant callings hauntings purr,
There was a sudden bursting blur
The whisper of the wind was heard all around,
Not a word not a sound

There was a flow,
a chain,
a code,
That brought the scene,
it's mysterious mode
The trees seemed to dance,
The light seemed to fade
Darkness followed as a shadow on the ground.
Dusk was about needless to say

The prowess of the day,
fell upon the way,
towards the night's oncoming crown
The cold touch of the wind seemed to touch my face
My heart quickly began to start it's pace,
My world was darking to the place
where time seemed to stand still

The hearkened race from time and space,
sped off into the distant fall,
Into the faith that stood still
As time laid out it's call.
The portrait of life has lost it's color
and to death I run like a scared child to it's mother.
Don't leave me now.
Never leave

Inside I fear the chilling tides that near
as life cracks it's dawn,
this child form from my soul asunder,
has lowered my heart into the rudder,
leading my precious light,
to fend itself from the from the fall.


Though as we ponder on and on,
Dawn lies no sins hath those we keep ourselves upon,
that which we see as darkness is surely hiding the light,
and on we ride with shining steel, fighting lifes eternal fight.

The weapons of life are held in my pale hands
Dark eyes watch the moonlight shine on down
So much worry but not a single sound
The knife I hold is supposed to protect me
But how can that be?
The darkness that I am
I'm battling, it aways wins.
I need a helping hand
I need a friend.

And from the light I call,
I lay a hand out towards the night,
there lies her breath and troubles so eager,
I grasp her hand and pull her from the twisting nether,
and into the warmth of my protection she lay,
for I am the light of day.

I see a light..
I grasp it with all my might.
Holding hands tight
never letting my soul fade again.
I shall not let the darkness win.
The bright light that I see brings me hope.
So much courage.
My angel has came
And I shall not let him go in vain.

My wings have spread upon her frame,
pulling her towards the top,
there was no way to leave the darkness in her way.
And as the light enshrouded her dawn,
the eternal sleeping beautiful song,
Of past light and future ways ran out into the endless skys of that glorious day.

The stars of the night are gone
and to my eyes are the light of dawn.
We fly on towards the sky.
Not letting the sorrows cry.
The thunder starts and here comes the rain.
So many purposes so many never came.

And as the sky grieves for our broken tears of the past,
the expanding horizon becomes more vast,
each feather lifting our weight makes twice the power our lighted way.
And as the clouds break apart,
we find our will to soar above the stars.
For we are alive and forwards we strive until the end of it all.

Yeah..it's about darkness and light and how the girl was saved from the darkness through the boy whose wings held her high.

Dawn_of_Heaven
04-17-2007, 01:41 PM
truth is, you sure can write poetry

TK
04-17-2007, 11:01 PM
The second one is a lot better. In general, I think your poetry's major flaw is that there are places where you've sacrificed the effectiveness of the language in order to rhyme. I very much like rhyme in poetry and I wouldn't suggest you take it out, but it requires more effort be put in sometimes. Places like this:

My heart quickly began to start it's pace, [as an aside, possessive "its" doesn't get an apostrophe]
My world was darking to the place
where time seemed to stand still


need help. I'm pretty sure "darking" is just a typo and you meant "darkening," but even so, it's hard to picture how a thing can be darkening "to" somewhere. You've got "began to start" in an attempt to fill out the rhythm, which is redundant and sounds very awkward. I was also left wondering why your heart would be beginning its pace in the first place; wouldn't it already have a pace, since your heart hopefully hadn't stopped beating? It would make more sense to say it was quickening its pace.

Anyway, stuff like that. Take some time without having read the poem and then come back to it to look with fresh eyes and you'll probably notice plenty of places like this. As for the first one, I'll just say I think it needs a great deal more help than the second.

BlackMan16
04-18-2007, 04:32 AM
Personally, I thought it was great, it sounded like it was real. And if people say it's emo who cares, it's reality.

Dreameroffantasy
04-18-2007, 01:34 PM
Thank you all for the wonderful comments..and others not. But I try when it comes to writing. I like to put my feelings into them. Even if it's writing a story or a poem. I like to just let my river of emotions take me away in their currents. And yes "darking" is suppose to be "darkening."

Dawn_of_Heaven
04-18-2007, 09:07 PM
Dreaneroffantasy, doesnt matter, TK didnt hav to get all technical like that...I can tell when ur bound up in ur emotions as u write,things such as grammatical errors dont come to mind.Understandable

Prak
04-18-2007, 09:20 PM
You idiot. Constructive criticism is one of the most important things you can get if you want to improve.

Nightowl9910
04-18-2007, 09:30 PM
Dreaneroffantasy, doesnt matter, TK didnt hav to get all technical like that

No, but he still made the effort to give out helpful and intelligent advice anyway, unlike some. :rolleyes:

Dawn_of_Heaven
04-18-2007, 10:31 PM
You idiot. Constructive criticism is one of the most important things you can get if you want to improve.

idiot?...Prak, i'll save u the trouble from dealing with me by saying-- STFU!







...Transformers?? u gotta be *_Bleep_* kiddin me...

the thing is, some people just do it to be smart-sses.but i must be missing something,so just drop it...
u all are right,i apologize, TK






....transformers...(lol)

geek

TK
04-18-2007, 11:25 PM
....transformers...(lol)

geek

You are posting in a poetry thread on a Final Fantasy message board, you unmittigated clown.

Dawn_of_Heaven
04-19-2007, 12:21 AM
.....are you serious? i just apologized to you,wats wrong...Prak?Transformers? u gotta be kidding me...clown? whatever,TK,thats not cool.u ppl take crap too serious.relax..




tssh...Clown...hmph.

Shadowblade
04-19-2007, 06:45 AM
TK,are u kiddin me? i just apologized to you, what is the problem.Prak?Transformers? i was kiddin',Prak can take a joke,he's full of them.TK,u gotta relax,ok?! if u could read, i said drop it,knucklehead. Prak, ur right,constructive critisism.absolutely. TK, i kno ur just doing this to talk to me, there was no reason to even right that response, but lets just drop it,alright. Get back on topic

????

.......

Aaaanyway, Dreamer I think you did a great job on the second one, but I also think TK made some excellent points that you should consider. I think you can do a better job, of course, by trimming the fat, ie: words that don't convey what you are trying to say but sound good. Pretty words are nice, but if you have too many you take away the impact of the parts with meaning...if that makes sense. Anyway, those are my two pennies and if you don't want em, I'll take em back. I'm poor.

Mr.Hazard
04-19-2007, 11:30 AM
TK,are u kiddin me? i just apologized to you, what is the problem.Prak?Transformers? i was kiddin',Prak can take a joke,he's full of them.TK,u gotta relax,ok?! if u could read, i said drop it,knucklehead. Prak, ur right,constructive critisism.absolutely. TK, i kno ur just doing this to talk to me, there was no reason to even right that response, but lets just drop it,alright. Get back on topic

Stop being a cunt, otherwise go away. Also, Your jokes are lame.

Dawn_of_Heaven
04-19-2007, 04:24 PM
...

Dawn_of_Heaven
04-19-2007, 04:27 PM
...Mr. Hazard,you have no life. ur just a jackass. clud too.you r both faggots. hop off!! i said get back on topic, hop off my jock.

Mr.Hazard
04-19-2007, 05:55 PM
...Mr. Hazard,you have no life. ur just a jackass. clud too.you r both faggots. hop off!! i said get back on topic, hop off my jock.

Shut up, idiot. You are a n00b, not a moderator, so you don't tell others what to do. For a start, you can't even write properly and doesn't know how to edit posts.

Nightowl9910
04-19-2007, 05:55 PM
...Mr. Hazard,you have no life. ur just a jackass. clud too.you r both faggots. hop off!! i said get back on topic, hop off my jock.

Well you're certainly living up to your username. Any new member that comes here, expecting long-standing members to obey their orders definitely has their head up in the clouds lol.

Unless you have anything constructive at all to say in this thread, buzz off.

Dysfunction
04-19-2007, 07:12 PM
Faggot is an awful word. Please don't use it.

Dreameroffantasy
04-20-2007, 02:25 AM
*Dies* Um...heh..please don't fight..

Dawn_of_Heaven
04-20-2007, 06:16 PM
Shut up, idiot. You are a n00b, not a moderator, so you don't tell others what to do. For a start, you can't even write properly and doesn't know how to edit posts.





...:-(


Well you're certainly living up to your username. Any new member that comes here, expecting long-standing members to obey their orders definitely has their head up in the clouds lol.

Unless you have anything constructive at all to say in this thread, buzz off.


...no life


aaanyway, i'm asking, please, please, just drop it.

Darth Revan
04-21-2007, 10:50 AM
First of all, Dreameroffantasy, I admit I'm not much of a poetry buff, but your second piece is pretty good. Nice work.

Secondly, Dawn_of_Heaven... First of all, putting 'Moderator' as your title, when you are only a new member still, is just screaming for ppl to roast you over a nice log fire. Secondly, the type of language you have used so far, also draws more ppl to flame you as well. With attitude like this, you won't last long. And thirdly..


...Transformers?? u gotta be *_Bleep_* kiddin me...

....transformers...(lol)

geek

If you don't like something like the above, then keep your opinion to yourself. I freely admit to being a Transfromers Generation 1 fan, and if that's something you don't like, then I'm sorry, STFU!

But I digress, I've gone off the topic at hand. This section of the forum is for creative writing and poetry, if you just want to start an arguement, please go to another forum. We don't want you here.

Also, doubleposting in the span of 8 minutes, is a no-no.

shade17
06-06-2007, 06:00 PM
poetry=exelent
pointless arguement=gobsh**e

'nuff said!

Mr.Hazard
06-06-2007, 07:14 PM
This thread is old. Turn off the life support.


poetry=exelent
pointless arguement=gobsh**e

'nuff said!

It's pointess to revive the thread just to say that. There were constructive points made that may assist those who may improve their poetry.

People enjoying the poetry is not the problem, but rating it as "excellent" while corrections are needed for made you fall in the trap.

TM
06-07-2007, 01:50 AM
Dawn of war is the sillyist bagel ever.

shakespeare
06-22-2007, 09:28 AM
...humans...
i like 'emo' poetry, so its cool,
iwrite too, but i aint good...
and im usin bad grammer cause im tyerd , oks,?
good job dreamoffantasy,(i hope i got yor name rite)

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