The Dreamer
06-11-2007, 01:59 PM
Ok new to this site. Love to write stories. not the best as my gammer and spelling lacks at time. Will not stop me though. Been writing stories for just few months. Love FF but I was atm working on this FanFic about an MMO that I was playing RF online. Working on an Idea for a FF fanfic. Dont want to spoil it, So you can wait. Tell me what you think and if I get some good constructive feedback will post the 2nd chapter

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A Bellato Story
Attamus
Chapter 1
The Birth of a Leader

The sun was setting to the east. Right now it would be dark over Bellato. Attamus dearly missed his city. He was never fond of leaving it. It had always been a place of tranquility and hope for him. When he was there he would always feel that the war for Novus, was a war worth fighting. As he leaned on the cave wall. He was dreaming of his father. Thinking what he must of thought during his first mission into the Desert. He was always so calm. Yet he had been on ten's of missions. He was a first class warrior in the army of Ballato. He remembered looking at his father the last time he left. His face was happy at the thought of battle. He was always amazed at how is father never showed fear.

"Attamus?" shouted Kira from behind. Attaums turned and walked towards her. Her face was bright and cheerful. It was calming to see. "Time to move out. You have two to get your stuff together." Kira stood up and made her way towards the cave entrance.
Attamus picked up his pack. He flung it over his left shoulder, heavy from the container inside. He was deliver it to a research center in a forward camp of Falion. The forefront of the Bellato offensive. He walked out of the cave they had set up to rest in. In a few hours it would be dark.

He turned to Kira. "Is it much further?"
"No not now. A few Miles. We should be there soon to get some well earned and needed rest."
"That sound nice." Attamus Replied.
He swung round startled by the falling of rocks behind him. Hand on his sword hilt.
"Wow calm down boy. It's only me!" said Helix.
"Sorry, I just emm"
"Nothing to worry about. It shows you have good wits. Thats nice to see in the future protectors of Bellato."
Attamus smiled. He was happy to see the gunman.
"How about we set off then Kira? The path is clear to the north."
"Sure Helix. Alright lets try make it to Falion before twelve."
Kira and Helix took the lead down the hill and north over the rock plain.
Attamus followed behind. He was glad to be with them. Kira was a spiritualist. Profound in the arts of elements. Helix was an expert scout and marksman. They were his first companions in this war. He had never really made friends as a child. He spent most his time in training. To live up to his fathers name.

Attamus was deep in his own thoughts when he felt the hand of Kira on his chest to stop him. He looked forward to see Helix's hand signaling us to cover. He signaled four Corite soldiers in the small cave ahead, then fell back to there position.
"Theres four Corite warriors." He whispered
"There camped up in the cave."
"Can we flank them? We can't risk loosing the objective." Asked Kira
"Yeah but it would take us almost a day to get to Falion tho!"
"So what do you think?"
Hilex scratched his head. "I'm sure we can take them. We have them by surprise."
"OK then. Helix you on the upper hill behind the entrance. Try two slow them as they advance on us. I will draw them to us. Attamus you stay behind. Guard the package with your life. If anyone gets past us its up to you to get the package to Falion."
"..OK" Attamus replied, worry was clearly showing on his face.

Attmaus arose. Drawing his sword placing the package on the floor.
Helix shifted to the left up a small sharp hill. Taking cover behind a small group of rocks at the top.
Giving the signal to Kira that he was ready, Kira slowly moved the the entrance of the cave, she began to chant a spell. As she reached it she looked down on the now three men around the camp fire inside. She had no time to look for the fourth as the three had now seen the glowing light from her hands. They charged drawing there weapons. Kira let loose the spell, sending a fire ball toward the group. Two dodged it the third taking it in the chest, falling to the floor screaming in pain as he started to burst into flames. Kira then moved back as an arrow pasted her face. It was from the fourth Corite. He was a little further down the cave making his way up towards her. She ducked as the first of the warriors reached her slicing at her head with his long sword. Then moving to the side and bringing her staff up toward his face and sending him to the floor. The second moved up blocking a blow from Kira's staff with his shield. He moved in ramming her with it. She stumbled back, loosing her footing on a rock. The Corite jumped forward stabbing the blade into her shoulder. Kira let out a scream of pain. The first Corite leaped past heading toward Attamus. He was fast with long strides. Attamus heard a shot from above. The shot hit the second Corite in the head. He leaned sideways then dropped to the floor. He then heard an arrow hit the rocks above. Helix took cover behind a rock. The third Corite had reached Attamus. Leaping and bringing his sword down towards him. Attamus lifted his sword deflecting it off to the left and leaped to the right. He then spun bringing his sword toward the Corite. The Corite leaped back. Attamus again moving in for a slash from the floor up. The Corite deflected it throwing Attamus off balance to the floor. He then thrusted his sword down. Attamus rolling to avoid the stab, kicking his leg bringing him to the floor. They both pushed off. Attamus rising and waiting for the attack. The Corite advanced with a slash from the top aiming at his head. Attamus using his smaller hight ducked in and moved in close toward him. Thrusting his blade into the Corite. He then dragged it out to the side as he spun slashing him across the back. The Corite fell the the floor dropping his sword, griping his wound. Attamus approached from behind panting for air. He then lifted his blade thrusting the tip of it down through his neck.

Helix waited for the third arrow to strike the rock. He then leaped up to scan for the archers position. He was at the cave entrance. Standing in front of Kira He dipped back as another arrow came his way. As it flew past he leaned out and took his shot. It struck the archer on the leg, throwing it back and him to the floor. He then took his time and shot for the his head. Ending his pain.

Attamus moved picking up the package and headed for Kira. She was by now up against a wall next to the cave holding her shoulder. She was smiling as she always did, but was clearly in pain. Attamus crouched down beside her.
"You OK?" asked Attamus
"Yeah I will be fine. Just a small scratch"
Her face dropped as the pain increased.
Helix appeared behind. Placeing his hand on Attamus's shoulder.
"Well that didn't quite go to plan. Think you can make it Falion?" Helix said looking towards Kira.
"Sure just patch us up a bit and I will be fine!" Kira said with a wink.
Helix smiled opening a small container that the had taken from his pack. He took out a healing rod. He riped Kira's shirt slightly open to rival the wound. It was about 4 inches long. Thin from the blade. He placed the tip at one end showing a deep red light as he slowly dragged it to the other end of the wound.
Kira let out a small whimper.
"A small patch but it will need more attention when we get to Falion. It's much deeper than I thought!" said Helix.
Kira smiled as she lifted herself still grasping the wound.
She then looked at us both. "We could still make it by twelve!"


End Of Chapter

Prak
06-11-2007, 03:29 PM
Unless you're 12 years old, this is absolutely atrocious. You have no talent at all for creative writing and should give it up immediately.

In case you're wondering what's wrong: Short, repetitive sentences that seem like they were written for small children. Poor spelling and punctuation. Description seems to be a foreign concept to you. In short, everything is bad.

The Dreamer
06-11-2007, 03:37 PM
Unless you're 12 years old, this is absolutely atrocious. You have no talent at all for creative writing and should give it up immediately.

In case you're wondering what's wrong: Short, repetitive sentences that seem like they were written for small children. Poor spelling and punctuation. Description seems to be a foreign concept to you. In short, everything is bad.

Ok bit harsh, but thanks for the comment anyway, dont think I will quit tho, Will try to improve, I mainly do this to help my engish as it is very bad as you said.

Prak
06-11-2007, 03:40 PM
That's not the way to improve it. If you want to improve your English, focus on learning the basics of it and don't over-reach. Also, writing won't help you nearly as much as reading would.

Graeystone
06-28-2007, 09:00 AM
Prack, quit being a twat. Dreamer is just starting out as a serious writer. The Simon Cowell routine is just annoying and unhelpful. Calling someone untalented at this stage of their attempts is translated as, "Hey, this person is good and may end up better than I am. I better crush their aspirations as fast as possible."

Dreamer: Some friendly critique. That is one huge honking paragraph you have for your fight scene. Try to find good spots in it(where one action ends and another begins) to make smaller paragraphs. From the size of it, I'd go with three paragraphs. Also, try to find a decent proof reader to help you. . .of course finding a decent proof reader online is an adventure in itself.

Contrary to what 'Mister Know It All Know Nothing' thinks, BOTH reading AND writing is the best way to improve one's language skills.

Prak
06-28-2007, 01:41 PM
You are a moron. One simply cannot write anything worth reading without first being entirely fluent in the language he/she is communicating in.

Valerie Valens
06-28-2007, 05:48 PM
You are a moron. One simply cannot write anything worth reading without first being entirely fluent in the language he/she is communicating in.

x2

TM
06-28-2007, 05:50 PM
You are a moron. One simply cannot write anything worth reading without first being entirely fluent in the language he/she is communicating in.

x3

Graeystone
06-30-2007, 01:31 AM
You are a moron. One simply cannot write anything worth reading without first being entirely fluent in the language he/she is communicating in.

And that is why people practice by reading, writing, and speaking so they can become more fluent. Dreamer's attempt is a whole lot better than what I've seen lately and those are written by people whose first language is English.

You post nothing but hatred and insults and then call me a moron. Yeah, real smooth. Shows what kind of person you really are. . .online and offline.

BizarroSephiroth
06-30-2007, 02:07 AM
Prak has always been and always will be....a dick. Dont listen to him. It was good

Prak
06-30-2007, 03:55 AM
Anyone who believes that drivel was good is brainless. Oh wait, we already knew that BS is a fucktard.

Also, lol @ Graeystone's idiocy.

Nightowl9910
07-01-2007, 12:09 PM
Ok bit harsh, but thanks for the comment anyway, dont think I will quit tho, Will try to improve, I mainly do this to help my engish as it is very bad as you said.

The piece does need alot of improvement. However, you've got the right attitude. Everyone has to start somewhere, and the only sure way of failing at anything is to give up on it before you've done your best to improve.

As previously suggested, reading lots will certainly help. Keep reading, keep writing and your English will naturally improve. In addition, would also advise taking up some kind of creative writing class, or at least read a book on the subject. It's possible to learn alot on how to improve the way that you write and how to make the most of your ability that way. Listening to constructive critiscm is also invaluable as that way you'll find it easier to pick up on your mistakes and correct them.

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