laviathon
01-22-2008, 01:17 AM
All i see is you,
Your laugh, your glance, your smile,
And then i remeber what you put me through,
You played with me as a child.


You stab away at my heart,
With you unyielding pin,
You look at me, as were finally apart,
With an everlasting grin.

That little tiny pin,
That represents your hate,
has bled out all my sins,
and concluded my fate.

Hey, first time writer. i like critisism, so hack away at mine, but Prack try and be nice lol

jewess crabcake
01-22-2008, 02:02 AM
Wow, grammar check please, and it's uninspired.

Prak
01-22-2008, 02:35 PM
i like critisism, so hack away at mine, but Prack try and be nice lol

I lol'd.

TM
01-22-2008, 05:20 PM
Prack

laviathon
01-22-2008, 06:02 PM
lol, well tell me whats wrong with the grammar, critisims good if you can help.

laviathon
01-22-2008, 07:18 PM
and yes i meant prak lol

jewess crabcake
01-22-2008, 08:16 PM
"With you unyielding pin"

"You look at me, as were finally apart"

And in all seriousness it's a bit short, and I'm not really feeling it.

laviathon
01-22-2008, 08:18 PM
hmmmmmmm , what do u suggest i change or introduce

Prak
01-22-2008, 08:25 PM
Don't worry about improving that mess. Don't worry about writing more messes. Worry about improving your command of the language. When you're completely confident in your ability to use the English language properly, then try again. And hopefully, by that time, you'll have a better idea of what makes for good poetry in the first place, because silly emo faggotry does not, has not, and never will.

laviathon
01-23-2008, 10:54 PM
thanks for being honest prak, jeff ty for the comments keep them in mind, and to be honest i didnt write it as an emo poem, just cos thats how i felt at the time lol, but ill keep that in mind prak, :)

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