Slavka
09-07-2008, 07:57 PM
The Beast Within

I feel something stir within,
A dark presence, something wrong,
A beast lingers beneath my skin,
Something evil, something... strong.
This fire that dwells deep inside,
It burns my very soul,
I fear it will no longer bide,
Your hatred being its coal.

You finally pushed me over the edge,
I lashed out, screaming.
I threw one of you through the hedge,
The beast roared, beaming.

Now look at what your hate has done,
See the beast I have become.

-

I started to run out of ideas near the end... Anyway, constructive criticism welcome, just don't flame me for no reason.

Ngrplz
09-08-2008, 04:07 AM
Nice I like it....

Can't help but think it's in relation to catching some virus though~

Gentleman Ghost
09-09-2008, 10:08 AM
Great work, well done :D But then again, your understanding of english literature is expected from people living in the UK. :)

More please.

Slavka
09-09-2008, 08:32 PM
Here's an old one I found. I wrote it for an English project a while ago. I know it's not perfect, but:

A Silent Guardian

I love the man, who stalks the night,
But alas, 'tis not requite,
As he walks his hidden pathways,
Alone in his silent fight.
An ethereal shadow,
One lost in the midnight gloom,
I'd follow that ink-black cloak,
'Til it leads me to my tomb.

But now I think he hears me,
And let's me be his guide,
So until the lies are broken,
I'll be forever by his side.

Yet we stay forever frozen,
Lost in the sea of time.

-

I don't think it's as good as the other one, but still decent, I hope.

beat
09-10-2008, 03:08 PM
These are pretty good :)

Slavka
09-14-2008, 09:10 PM
Thanks for the positive comments, guys! Here's another one, I wrote it on the bus ride home from school.

Betrayal

With the aid of information,
The nightmare's closing in,
Yes, my cooperation,
Was the beginning of my sin.
A fallen angel's folly,
Made in fatigued gloom,
Unknowingly I led my love,
To an early tomb.

This forsaken slaughter,
In which I'd played a part,
I watched the proceedings,
With a heavy heart.

A fiery angel fallen, struck down by a gun,
While I look on, and I lament; what is it I have done?

-

I could make the second verse better, but... Anyway, this'll probably be my last one for a while, unless I'm suddenly inspired by something.

Ngrplz
09-15-2008, 04:37 AM
Definitely keep at it.....maybe try and get a couple published? :)

Drea
09-22-2008, 09:17 AM
You are really talented. :]]

'Silent Guardian' is my favorite so far.

It has such a haunting feel to it.

TeknoBlade
11-04-2008, 10:26 PM
These poems are all pretty good, but they need more refinement before they're worthy of publishing. Since I'd rather you learn from your own mistakes instead of having me correct everything, here are a few pointers:

First, why are you sticking with the same rhyme scheme and stanza organization? The 8/4/2 arrangement works, but it gets old after a while. Why not arrange one of these into a sonnet? Sonnets consist of 14 lines with the same rhyming scheme, only they are done in iambic pentameter - ten syllables per line, with strong accents placed on every other syllable. Since you already have the rhyming scheme and 14 lines, it would only be a matter of finding suitable words.

Second, all lines should begin and end with strong words that emphasize the meaning of the poem; you can see what I mean by comparing the lines "alone in his silent fight" and "so until the lies are broken." The former line is much more powerful than the latter. I suggest you revise these poems with that in mind.

Third, line breaks are not only used to emphasize words like I just mentioned, but they are also used to establish the pacing of the poem. If there's a poem about how arduous life is, it would only be fitting to include many line breaks to make reading the poem arduous as well. Not all lines have to be complete thoughts.

Fourth, poetry establishes pictures through words. Don't be afraid of using words with double meanings, and don't be ashamed of using a thesaurus to find the right-sounding word to use. For instance, in a poem I recently wrote on describing color, I used the line "orange is the flush of life" in a stanza describing how nurturing orange, and the sun, can be. "Flush" is a synonym for color, but we most often use it to describe someone's face after they've been working hard.

Hopefully, that didn't sound too preachy. I tutor people in poetry at my university, and you show a lot of potential. My favorite so far is "Betrayal." Keep up the good work!

PS: The poem about Vincent is sort of creepy... lol

Slavka
11-04-2008, 10:44 PM
Yeah, I know they need work - that's why I posted them here. Thanks, by the way: I'll see what I can do...

GravityMage
11-10-2008, 04:28 AM
I deeply enjoy poetry, especially Dickinson's work, and these are really up there with the best of them. Of course, that's just in my frame of mind. =3 My personal favorite was A Silent Guardian. (Also, you may recognize my signature as something from Emily Dickinson's poetry. It was alluded to in the book The Poisonwood Bible a lot along with Hope is the Thing with Feathers.)

Slavka
11-10-2008, 10:59 PM
Thanks, although I am trying to improve them as I go. Just don't have much time right now...

RevSQ
11-14-2008, 01:55 AM
Ahahaha I love it to death. The rhymes don't feel forced, and it has a really nice beat. The only thing I have to say is to give it a theme, like love, or lust, or deception or something like that.

Slavka
11-14-2008, 05:33 PM
I just write these things as they come out of my head... No time to think of a theme, or I'll lose the idea! I will try to put a theme to them when I have time to redraft them, though. If you're interested, there's one I did in Chemistry the other week on my deviantART (link in my sig), but it's not all that good.

KREAYSHAWN
11-14-2008, 08:34 PM
Jungle Boogie

Get down, Get down, get down, get down
Get down, Get down, get down, get down
Get down, Get down, get down, get down
Get down, Get down, get down, get down
Get down, Get down, get down, get down
Get down, Get down, get down, get down

Ahhhhhhhhhhh !

Jungle Boogie
Jungle Boogie
Get It On
Jungle Boogie
Jungle Boogie
Get It On
Jungle Boogie
Jungle Boogie
Jungle Boogie
Get Down With The Boogie
Jungle Boogie
(Come & Shake It Around)

Jungle Boogie
Help & Get Down
Jungle Boogie
Boogie Baby
Jungle Boogie
The Boogie
Jungle Boogie
Bruhuhuhu
Jungle Boogie
Get Down
Jungle Boogie
Get Boogie
Jungle Boogie
Let Me Jump In
Jungle Boogie
Down With The Boogie
Get down, Get down, jungle boogie, get down, get down
Get down, Get down, jungle boogie, get down, get down
Get down, Get down, jungle boogie, get down, get down
Get down, Get down, jungle boogie, get down, get down
Get down, Get down, jungle boogie, get down, get down
Get down, Get down, jungle boogie, get down, get down

Uh, Yeah
Feel The Funk You'll
Let Me Feel The Load

Get Down With The Boogie
I'm Gonna Knock With The Jungle Boogie
Get Down
Get Down With The Boogie Say
Ough!
Get Down Say Ugh
Get Down Say Ugh
Till You Feel It You'll
Get Down You'll
Get Down
Get Funky Ya'll
With The Get Down

Slavka
11-25-2008, 06:29 PM
Here's one I wrote for an English assignment. It was supposed to be based on 'Not My Business' by Niyi Osundare...

None Of My Business

I peer through the window,
See no one's home,
Neighbour's out drinking,
His kid's all alone.

It's none of my business,
I didn't see nowt,
For fear of my safety,
I'll keep my nose out.

I peer through the window,
Kid's on the floor,
Neighbour's standing over him,
Blood on the door.

It's none of my business,
I didn't see nowt,
For fear of my safety,
I'll keep my nose out.

I peer through the window,
Neighbour's outside,
Burying the result,
Of his drunken homicide.

It's none of my business,
I didn't see nowt,
For fear of my safety,
I'll keep my nose out.

I peer through the window,
See no one's there,
Glance round behind me,
Suddenly I care.

-

You won't believe how much trouble I had trying to find something suitable for the third line of the refrain. And I'm still not happy with it. But, I couldn't find anything better, so it stuck.

GravityMage
11-26-2008, 09:18 PM
Wow, that's really kind of scary. That's the sort of thing I like. =3 I think it's very good. You've got real talent and I don't think your poems need a theme. I write whatever comes out of my head...it's more natural that way. My poem The Twilight is the Best of Times is sort of like that. I just scribbled it down on the side of an English handout I got without even thinking about it. Keep up the good work...You've got a fan in me!! =3

MageKnight
11-26-2008, 09:29 PM
I found the third one enjoyable. These are good poems though, it seems to me like some of them are coming from what happens to Vincent Valentine though.

Slavka
11-27-2008, 08:33 PM
seems to me like some of them are coming from what happens to Vincent Valentine though.

*glances furtively at user title*

MageKnight
11-28-2008, 02:57 AM
Heheh....oops?

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