11-26-2008, 02:19 AM
Here's a poem I wrote about 4 years ago when I was in the 8th grade:


The shadows are sneaking
up behind kids,
hiding in closets,
and under their beds.
Yet the adults keep on working,
destroying the light.
Feeding the darkness;
that isn't right.
The factories produce
a lot of pollution.
There is no end;
there is no solution.
But there are nice things
in this world,
like candies and parks
where ribbons are twirled.
Boys and girls
are going steady.
A revelation is coming,
so be ready.
You'll rise up high
past Heaven's gate
where there are no troubles,
there is no debate.
And if you are bad,
you will sink low
to the Reaper's dark hideout,
the black under the snow.
If you're not well known,
they'll leave the Reaper to slay you.
You will not be rescued,
Fate will betray you.

Okay, now here's one I spontaneously came up with today in my English class:

The Twilight is the Best of Times

Crystal shines
when daylight breaks
as rays of Sun
burst through the clouds
'Tis the light my crystal takes.

When night befalls my little town,
and the moon peers through the black,
and sends envoys of ghostly light
to shatter the stars at the speed of sound,
and take my crystal's shine back.

When twilight dawns on my little town,
surrounding buildings with orange and gold-
Both colors side by side,
and my crystal has the faintest glow,
a peaceful glow that puts my heart to rest.
It's only because that time of day
is when the Sun and the Moon coincide.

Oh how I wish my town to be twilight
with everyone gathered 'round,
on our way to Tranquility,
the people of the Sun and the people of the Moon
dancing across the ground-

But what's most important to me is my crystal,
and the twilight makes it the most glad,
and there is something about my crystal-
It's feelings are pervasive and spread
to those with pure mind and cleansed heart,
like me,
and I want them to feel joy, not dread.

So, which one do you think is better?? Which one is your favorite?? Did you like any of them? Why or why not? Take symbolism in account along with the fact that many things in poetry have double meanings. Constructive criticism will be taken into account, but utter distaste will be ignored.

12-02-2008, 09:40 PM
Hello, GravityMage

I'm not a huge person on poems, but I'd like to make some comments on your work.

For the first poem, [Revelation], the first thing that came to mind is William Blake's poem about the child chimney sweep. [Revelation] seems to be a more contemporary version of it, without the perhaps confusing colloquiallism that William Blake had. I must say the poem is lacking in imagery, a fundamental part in poetry. It is an easy read-- good rhythm and rhythm breaks. The poem is simple and flows, but because of the lack of imagery, I have to take into account the whole poem as a single dialogue to set the mood. Personally, the mood it sets for me is one of impending doom-- you're warning me, threatening me. I'm curious about the last line though. Could you explain "Fate will betray you?" Finally, I'd like to say if I was your 8th grade instructor, I'd give you a B- on this.

For the second poem, [The Twilight is the Best of Times], I assume after the first stanza you decided to free verse it. As I was reading it, I had to pause after the part "When my twilight dawns on my little town" and reread everything after that a couple of times asking myself, "What did I just read?"
I'd say this second poem isn't something you can read lightly for quick enjoyment. I'm curious as to what you meant by "on our way to Tranquility." As for the imagery... twilight doesn't seem peaceful or warm to me as you were trying to portray it. The wording makes it mostly feel too technical. The only thing lively about the poem was when you described buildings being surrounded by orange and gold, which seemed to be too bold of description to use with something as "soft" as twilight. Same thing about "to shatter the stars at the speed of sound." Think of the feelings and meanings you associate with a word.

--- This cute, little puppy ran up to you and wanted you to pet him.
--- This cute, little beast ran up to you and wanted you to pet him.

^The point I wanted to make is that maybe a different choice of words, "softer" words, would better accommodate describing twilight. Perhaps "is when the Sun and the Moon coincide" could be rewritten "is when the Sun and Moon mingle"? Just some suggestions. The phrases I liked most in this poem were "sends envoys of ghostly light," "faintest glow,"twilight dawns." I'd say my favorite stanza is the first one, only because the rest of the poem just made me feel I wasn't feeling a poem at all. Although it had lost its splendor with rough wording and unsettling rhythm, I think the idea you were trying to protray was interesting, but somewhat overused in nature poetry.

Finally, I'd like to say that a writer should welcome any criticism as an effort to improve. You may not like what you hear sometimes-- I've seen grown men look like they were about to knock the teeth out of some people in writing workshop -- but keep an open on skills you may need improvement on, take in consideration the words of any legitimate critics (especially if you're getting into the mechanics of your writing.) You can only get better. In regards to your style of writing, it seems like you could have a considerable knack in incorporating dialogue into your poetry somehow. Try experimenting with it!

Thanks for the read!

08-08-2009, 07:56 AM
Oh wow I enjoyed the first one very much

08-09-2009, 06:16 PM
Firstly, personal opinion of a piece of good work, there should have only one main message in each stanza. So, stanzas are needed in order to give out the writer's feeling comprehensively. Symbolism is the another key to a piece of good work. uhmm... i love many Chinese poems no matter ancient or contemporary is due to the imaginary of the poets.

The first piece of work, It has the problems that i have mentioned above. One stanza gives out three...or four meaning, confusing readers. Symbolism, there is lack of analogy, or none. But that's okay, you may not know how to correctly draw an analogy in the 8th grade. The fatal mistake is YOU CAN'T RELATE THE THINGS YOU MENTIONED WITH REVELATION. "destroying the light. Feeding the darkness" "Boys and girls are going steady." "Fate will betray you.". What is the relationship between revelation? Just like, rock, diamonds, gold, sand, put separately and say it is a necklace. You should choose jewels, put away the non-relating-necklace materials, and link up with gold line, that is clue, and sell.

The second piece of work, stanzas are appeared, symbolism too, i agree with Runis 12 who has said "sends envoys of ghostly light" is good. Another great improvement that is the mood of each stanza. First, flat, second, trough, third, crest, fourth, crest, fifth, flat. That is like wave, or roller coaster. The previous piece of work is flat because there is not much of self feelings. I think it can be better that is use more emotional wordings, just like Runis12 said, don't make the poem becomes technical, make the descriptions more vividly. Common mistake i have seen in the poetry, "When twilight dawns on my little town, surrounding buildings with orange and gold. Both colors side by side". Dawn can also have the same effect of orange and gold. The point is, YOU DIDN'T CATCH THE CHARATERISTIC OF TWILIGHT. I can change "twilight" to "dawn", the meaning are more positive then, "Oh how I wish my town to be dawn with everyone gathered 'round, on our way to Tranquility". They gather under light but not dark. Do you understand what i mean?

Overall, "The Twilight is the Best of Times" is better.

08-10-2009, 04:22 PM
... You are far from having a solid enough grasp of the English language to advise others on its finer points. A lot of what you just said is complete nonsense.

08-11-2009, 01:34 AM
poems are for homos

08-11-2009, 07:45 AM
poems are for homos

What's wrong with homosexuals you fag. Prop 8 is probably shoved up your ass. How old are you?

08-11-2009, 02:15 PM
haha butthurt califag