rightioushate
02-07-2009, 12:29 AM
the clipping is of a romance part of the story. its taken somewhat out of context, so im looking more for feedback of the formation of thoughts as well as the storytelling. the "a, b, and c" in the story in italic font represents characters i have yet to name of develope. any constructive crit is appreciated. the word family here means a strong group of friends. it is only a draft so far, so dont expect any extremely beautiful grammar.

"Look at me" she said as I started to walk away from her and everything I left behind so long ago. "Look at me!!!" she said again, this time much louder. It wasn�t her voice, but the echo of her voice which screamed through the night air that sent a cold chill through my soul. I couldn�t help but to look back at her. Then I walked back. She completed her sentence. "�like you used to" her eyes were glassy. She was so strong. But she couldn�t fight the tears back any longer. I had little time to word exactly how I felt. I let my words flow. "For so long, you have looked at me with that pain in your eyes. and even now, there is nothing I can do".
"What do I have to do to make you look at me again, the way you used to, to look at a again the way you used to. At b. at c. to look at you family again.. Then her words became almost mumbles. The emotions and tears were vividly carried through the words. What do I have to do? What do I have to do, she said again. Silence entered. For what it seemed was so long, silence stayed. "Why did you come back", she mumbled, tears still streaking down her face. I had no answer..so she answered for me. "It�s because you couldn�t let go. You can�t let go. And now you�re holding on more than ever�. As she said that, her head fell on my chest. The weeping now turned to cries. She asked again, her face against my chest, this time as if she was whispering to my heart, �What do I have to do�.
"You have done enough. Now, lay your head and rest�. The three forbidden words weren�t needed to be said as I pushed myself away from her, and walked away into the silence of the cold dark night. It started to rain.

.:DragonMist:.
06-06-2009, 05:24 PM
I really do like...But it is kind of confusing right now...How about some backround info?

Number667
06-11-2009, 09:48 AM
"I couldn’t help but to look back at her. Then I walked back."

You're missing a thought here. Why did you walk back? You were all geared and ready to leave these people behind for the second time, and suddenly your mind changed. Why?

"I had little time to word exactly how I felt. I let my words flow."

This could be combined into a single sentence. Maybe "There was no time for me to ponder how to fully express what I was feeling at this time, so I just said what came to mind." Or something along those lines.

"Then her words became almost mumbles"

There's mumbles, and there's not. A good fix might be "The rest of her words trailed off into faint whispers, never falling on my ears."

"Silence entered. For what it seemed was so long, silence stayed."

This feels odd. You only need to mention the silence once. Maybe "For several long moments, a pregnant silence mingled with the rage of emotions that filled the room." Again, flavor as necessary.


The overall feel is a little confusing to me. What exactly is the narrator feeling? Does he really dislike these people? Does he love them, but is unable to face them? What made his original feelings falter, and what made him ultimately decide to leave them again? You've got some good ideas, but you're lacking a little on the support. Don't be afraid to put it as much detail as you can. It's better to have too much detail than to have not enough.

whatheck
06-19-2009, 03:57 PM
Agree. I think your story is lacking of support, that is some characters' feeling. Teller should describe more about what the characters feel, what they hate, what they love ... .From my experience, if narrator want to tell a great story, one of the elements is feeling description. This can enhance the atmosphere. I can see you have write down some, but you can use more vocabularies about feelings, more precisely. You can write some foreshadowing too, describe what the charaters are going to do. The story can be more attractive. !!

Prak
06-19-2009, 04:47 PM
How about checking dates? The guy who wrote this drivel vanished months ago and we're all better off for it. Replying is pointless.

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